we met praising God, how ironic.

you were so handsome.  i was so lonely.  nevertheless, we were both lost and looking for love.  i mean, affirmation.  we fell in love with each others spirits, of course.  we used to laugh and drink and embarass ourselves in public in cities that were not our own.  one night we wrestled with God in  my car in battleground, washington and not much later we were at the ocean catching creatures in the lids of coffee cups and letting them go.  i said, "i can't stand this, i'm not in high school anymore."  we talked on my couch all night about everything as you ran your fingers through my hair [too bad your new girlfriend's head is a ball of grease, i bet you're probably starting to miss my hair [i still believe there is nothing about her that is better than me.]].  in the morning you would hide under your covers from the light until you had it in you to run to the shower.  we smoked menthols on 23rd in front of the music store and abandoned everyone else.  and later, we had mexican food and merlot and coca cola and went to the movie and held hands and then, later, couply pictures of us on the ferry, pictures of us at the aquarium.  i went above and beyond for you.  i loved you.

i told some people you were my boyfriend.  and you and i both know that wasn't really a lie.

i was a little girl in your presence, as if every moment spent with you was my birthday anticipating excitement and surprises and something real... and the promise of life... with you.
but none of that came to fruition.

you held me in your arms like an infant, manipulated me like a puppet.

you were recreating me.  i was alive in you.  i delighted in you.  you were in the middle of teaching what all exists in this world that's worth loving.  your work with me was not finished and i hate you for it.

this week has been unbearable at times.

humans have such capacity to hurt one another, and when i think about all the ways in which this truth was revealed to me this week makes me, literally, nauseous.

i'm a bit disappointed in myself; to think my initial reaction was anger at him, at them.  it slowly progressed to bitterness toward God and love.
how many times this week did i say, "i will never, ever, love again."
?
i think i'm being put through some sort of spiritual discipline.  i am a passionate, affectionate creature and as glorifying as that can be to Him, to pursue even good things with the wrong heart will cause us to stumble.  God, took it away.
ouch.

but
oh how i praise God for my resilience.  the hurt is still as present as it ever was, but the sting fades slowly every day and i feel comforted as the Lord reveals more to me of him promised plan for my life.  it seems as though my tiny human mind is coming closer each day to comprehension of God's grace.  it's important to me that i understand the love of this God i try to serve so that i can reflect that love and grace onto steve.  not for his sake, but for mine.  for MY heart.

He's changing my heart.
i consider it a blessing to have ever been given the opportunity to love as many as i have in my life.  and as awesome as it was at times, i know HIs promise for my life is much for awesome and fulfilling than anything my heart could have ever dreamed for.
and even if i'm not made to love [i'm pretty sure i'm made to love] whatever He's created me for will fulfill me more deeply and passionately than loving will.


i am deeply elated at all the ways in which He is revealing to me the important things in life.
i am excited and drunk and dizzy at the newness of it all.  newfound closeness with people i've always kind of "known."
new life.
new love.
maybe someday.


oh God, what a world you love.

it still hurts, but the pain lessens everyday.
i need to make thank-you cards for those who have comforted me this past week.

as deeply as i'm hurting i still stop to praise God for the amazing blessings i've received as of late.
i am awestruck at his timing and how it works out much better than i could have ever planned for myself.






i'm feeling pretty inspired but time is limited.
time is always limited.
elaboration.
later.

i am elated to have finally started over with a new journal.

sing sayonara.
scream sayonara.
scream goodbye.
walk away.


steve was a year-long high unlike any high i've ever felt before.  what he and i had was life-affirming.  i thought.  temporary.  a high can't last.  anything outside of the will of God can't last.
obedience to the Lord has called me to walk away, not without fear or reluctance.

i was not created to live like the world.  God has designed my heart in a way that is unlike anyone else's.  He has instilled in me an overwhelming desire to love.
He has blessed me with a heart that even to my dismay, loves unconditionally.  and i can say that because i know it's not me who loves, but the Lord.  it's not my forgiveness steve has received, it's His.
i love steve for completely destroying me so that i may be reconstructed in Christ.
it was steve who so long ago told me that my ministry is found in the way i show grace and am generous with forgiveness.  it's not me, it's the Lord.


so old life?  if this is what's left of you i don't want it anymore.
i am the daughter of Jesus Christ.


i can't be reminded of how it was.  i read my old journal and cried.  my heart has never been so wrong.
so it became: sing_sayonara.

sayonara to steve.
sayonara to walking in the darkness.



hello to new life.